shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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