Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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