I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize