And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
please come you make the beer taste better
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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