farters have to be the big spoon...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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