she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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