And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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