he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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