i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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