He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
