There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
MIDGETS
????
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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