I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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