the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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