Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
