# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize