i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
