hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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