He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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