she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
So much Jack, so little girl.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
