Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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