Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
