Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
