two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
