I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
