just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
