Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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