Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
