Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
