Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
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