He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
