Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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