I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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