I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I deserve this hangover.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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