I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
