I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
