i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
