Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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