I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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