Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
