We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
When are your genitals available?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
