They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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