Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
