My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
