every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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