Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
