it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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