Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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