i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
