it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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