My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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