So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
