My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
