Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
