I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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