I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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