Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
