you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
